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Join in the informed book club Your Internet Dating Secrets Revealed!
YOUR INTERNET DATING SECRETS REVEALED!Many thanks for your overwhelming response to our biggest survey ever!
We asked some pretty searching questions, you were generous with your replies - and at times breathtakingly honest! You told us of the joys and frustrations of this 21st century match-making medium and exposed some of the myths. You made us laugh, you made us cry. But most of all you made us think that if we were ever single again……
Here’s what you had to say.*.
Q. Which internet dating site(s) did you use, how did you choose them and how would you rate them?
The two most popular sites used were Match.com (42%) and DatingDirect.com (35%|, generally chosen because they appeared to have the most members and seemed to rank quite highly in search engines. Match.com also advertise on TV which makes them fairly well known. Respondents who used both felt that the level of detail on the Match.com profile far exceeded that of DatingDirect, but that DatingDirect seemed to attract a more sophisticated, professional clientele. 52% of respondents felt that the ’matches’ generated by computer were generally along the lines of what they asked for; 39% said some of the matches were acceptable but that they got better results when they did their own ’advanced level’ searches and a small percentage said the computer-generated matches were unappealing and they always got better results searching by themselves. 17% of you mentioned being attracted to DatingDirect’s ’video’ facility though none of you said you’d actually plucked up the courage to use it!
Q. Many claim that internet dating sites are full of ‘social misfits’ and ‘wierdos‘. Has that been your experience?
78% of you said the majority of people you met through internet dating sites were either ‘normal’ or ‘really nice’ - the sort of people you’d expect to meet in everyday life! You did, however, tell us about some ’interesting’ characters….
Janet (42) said ‘I suppose I wasn’t entirely surprised there were so many Non-EC Eastern Europeans, South Americans and Africans. I couldn’t help but think they were just looking for a way into Britain! I also got a few really young blokes - like Paulo (22) who told me that only older women were ’real’ women…! And there definitely were a lot of blokes whose photos made them look like serial killers!
Katy (37) said ’My ‘favourite’ was a bloke from Glasgow who just wanted to talk endlessly about his job as a funeral director. He was so proud of how much money he made and had a photo of himself on the site standing next to a really flash car. There was something a bit repulsive about the whole idea. I kept thinking about where his hands had been!
Emma (34) was contacted by a man whose strapline was ‘Sex, sex, sex and more sex’ and another who listed his interests as ‘Collecting spiders and watching Star Trek’. Yum!
Joanne (49) said: One guy from Stirling after two fairly pleasant email exchanges asked if he was ’in my top three’. He wanted to know who else was ’in the running’ and how could he get rid of them and ’seal the deal’! It felt like a business transaction and I was the commodity.
On the other hand…..
Davina (41) said: I was afraid of the kind of people I might meet on dating sites but I was amazed by how many articulate, educated, well-travelled and emotionally stable people there were out there!
Q. What made the profiles of some potential matches a) appealing b) unappealing
93% of you said you didn’t find profiles without photos appealing and you wouldn’t respond without one. Most of you also complained about the paltry level of detail many profiles contained - it looked like they just couldn’t be bothered, not an encouraging sign at such an early stage in the search for romance!
Bridget (33) said ’ Most blokes fell into one of either two camps - hardly any detail at all and a crappy passport-type photo or tons of detail about just how absolutely bleeding marvellous they were and dozens of artfully posed photos showing them pursuing a gazillion hobbies. I was more attracted to the ones with detail - they had something to go on at least - but they seemed so egotistical it put me off. Though a friend said she’d read somewhere that men always ’put out their CV’ for the first few dates in order to catch your attention and if you can make it all the way to the third date that’s when they settle down,shut up and starting asking about you!!
Margaret (45) said ‘Half the profiles I read had ‘unspecified’ for the majority of fields. I mean, where do you start with someone like that? There was one guy who actually wrote as his main heading ‘I’m a normal guy with all the usual interests’. What - football, sex, beer,?
Bethany (37) said ‘I was attracted to people who gave a reasonable amount of detail and sounded interesting without blowing their own trumpets too much. I also loved it if they asked lots of questions about me - though I have to say that was rare! If a man said he was a ‘good listener’ that also was really attractive. But again, it’s rare. I was fascinated that with no exceptions all the men described themselves as ‘romantic‘. How strange. That isn’t my experience in real life at all!
Sharon (29) said ’I really liked it if a guy was prepared to consider women older than himself as well as younger. So many of the men seemed to be actively seeking someone much younger and that suggests to me that they are just after sex or a trophy for their arm rather than a real person they can have a long-term relationship with. That’s really, really depressing.
Rhiannon (31) said: DatingDirect has a great facility for putting together a personalised ‘test’ that your potential matches take to see how compatible you are. But every single man whose ‘test’ I took included one of the set questions which was something along the lines of ‘Do you consider a normal libido to be once a day or once a week?’. It sort of made them sound really sex-starved or something. It totally put me off.
Davina (41) said: An immediate turn-off was a profile full of misspellings or grammatical errors. Also anyone who was pretentious e.g. the person whose username was ‘Oxfordonlypleaz’!
Q. Did you find that potential matches gave honest information? Did they use up-to-date and accurate photographs? Did that matter to you?
82% of you said potential matches had given ‘all or mostly honest information’. Good news! Complaints about dishonesty were generally towards the minor end of the scale. 64% of you said you felt matches had possibly lied about their age and some had used photos that were obviously taken when they were younger and/or slimmer. What was interesting is that most of you said you would still have met them if they’d used an accurate photo and been more honest! The fact that they were not honest made you question what else they’d lied about.
Q. What qualities were/are you looking for in a partner?
Ranked in order of popularity (most popular first) you told us you were looking for the following qualities:
Thoughtful; good listener; romantic; good sense of humour; caring; sensitive; adventurous; interesting; attractive; intelligent; solvent; no baggage; kind; generous; confident; sociable; physically fit; sincere; successful (high income/good job)
Lydia (30) said: I was after someone who would make me laugh, make me feel cherished and special. I was amazed how many men told me really mundane things like ‘I don’t wear glasses, have no immediate health problems and have all my own teeth’. Wow!!! Was tempted to ask if they were fully continent.
Q. What is your idea of ’success’ in internet dating and were you ’successful’?
67% of you said you were looking for ‘a serious long-term relationship’. 22% of you were looking for ’fun and friendship and see where it goes’. A very small percentage (just 2%) of you said you really just wanted a physical relationship. 7% of you said, ideally, you’d like to get married and have children. 2% of you said you weren’t really sure what you wanted!
Q. If you were ‘successful’ how long did it take?
Although answers in this category ranged from two weeks to an incredible two and a half years, the most popular answer was 6-9 months.
Maria (39) said: I was looking for a long-term relationship and was determined not to settle for the first man that came along. Over a two-year period I corresponded with probably in the region of seventy or eighty men and met up with about 30. If I didn’t like the look of them I excused myself as quickly as possible. I didn’t see any point in wasting my time or theirs! I finally met a fabulous guy, we’re now happily married and have just had our first child. My advice to anyone would be to stick with it and don’t compromise your ideals or your principles. You’ll get there - I did!
Sarah (28) said: In the first few weeks I got carried away and emailed about 20 guys. I didn’t have time for anything else but it was really brilliant fun! I quite quickly narrowed it down to three, met them all the following weekend and fell instantly in love with one of them. He had the most beautiful eyes and the sweetest, gentlest nature. I took my profile off the site right away and he did the same. Friends said don’t be daft you can’t just take the first guy that comes along. But I feel we were just lucky. It could have taken a lot longer. We’re still together seven months later, we’re talking about getting engaged and I can’t imagine being without him.
Tell us about any e-dating events or exchanges that made you a) laugh b) feel uncomfortable or out of your depth
Jane (47) said ‘There was Simon - can’t remember where he was from - but he emailed me just one enticing line ’Why are your photos all different? I emailed him back ’And your point is?’He replied ’Sorry it was late and the cat was being sick’. And - I had to ask - ’Hope it wasn’t my photos that made your cat sick?. Hardly the stuff of Mills and Boon romance!’
Debbie (34) said ‘Nothing bad ever happened to me but I did hear of one woman who went for a meal with a man and towards the end of the meal he asked her if they were likely to have sex that night. She said no, they hardly knew each other. He said he was going to the toilet but he left the restaurant and left her to foot the bill. Another guy did manage to ‘score’ at the end of the first date but he was quite rough and she was in considerable discomfort for days. I think if you do have sex early on they don’t respect you or treat you right.’
Q. How do you think internet dating compares with more traditional dating techniques? Do you think it’s the way of the future?
81% of you said that you thought internet dating was definitely the way of the future because it allows you to be proactive, to easily make contact with lots of different types of people and widens your social network. In that respect you thought it was ’better’ than traditional dating. However many of you complained that the whole method was too ’front loaded’ ie every time you met someone you were sizing him or her up as a potential partner for life and many of you felt this was ’unnatural’ and put a lot of unnecessary pressure on the initial meetings.
Katy (37) put it brilliantly ’To my mind, in meeting someone for an e-date, the process itself is kind of likely to kill chemistry and spontaneity. A bit like the difference between spotting an eagle during a walk in the hills - or going to a nature reserve and seeing one tied to a perch!’
Sandra (50) said ‘I think internet dating’s OK for now but longer term I just feel the social network thing may outpace these sites and they may separate out into friendship-and-date sites on the one hand and casual sex sites on the other. Personally I’m finding better luck with women’s social networking sites. We meet up and go for coffee, lunches, even holidays. The point is that there’s always the possibility of meeting new partners within each other’s social circles - safer and much more comfortable than this whole enforced dating thing.
Q. What advice would you give to anyone about to embark on internet dating for the first time?
You literally bombarded us with all manner of brilliant advice. We’ve gathered it all together and produced:
Your Top Ten Tips for Internet Dating
Persevere! Some of you found a partner quite quickly but - in general - you
found the process took a lot longer than you initially thought.
Be Honest You reported being put off by potential matches who lied,
exaggerated or used old photographs. Your potential matches would feel
the same!
Give Full Details Yes, it can be hard to ‘put yourself out there’ but the more
information you give, the more successful you’re likely to be.
Provide a Photograph. Your profile’s three times more likely to be clicked on if you provide a photograph. 93% of you said you simply wouldn’t read a profile without a photo as you would assume they had something to hide.
Protect Yourself Meet in public places where you feel comfortable.
Always tell someone where you’re going, with whom and when you expect to return. Don’t give out your address or landline number till you feel secure.
Try to get independent verification that your date is who he says he is e.g.
a profile on an employer’s site, Facebook page etc.
Be Positive! It can be tempting to share negative experiences - particularly
if you’ve been badly hurt. But this can be seriously off-putting. Try to be
upbeat and approachable.
Play Fair! Yes, it’s tempting to be like a kid in a sweet shop, always thinking there’s someone better in the next batch of ’matches’. Treat people as you’d like to be treated yourself and always be honest about who else you’re seeing.
Listen to Your Instincts. Many of you reported ‘having a bad feeling’ about a person or profile. If so, take your time, find out as much as you can in advance and don’t be pressured into a meeting until you feel completely comfortable. Watch out for inconsistent information and anyone who is reluctant to answer questions.
Be Proactive! Don’t just sit back and wait for people to email you.
Try Not to View Every Candidate as a Potential Mate-for-Life. Relax, have fun and just enjoy spending time with one another. If they’re right for you, you’ll know it in time!
* Where requested, names and details have been changed to protect identity
Useful Books and Sites
Informed Book Choice: 'A Common Sense Guide to Internet Dating' by Evan Marc Katz. Click here for details
Science Daily report on some interesting internet dating survey results. Click here to read more
Missed out on the survey? Why not share your internet dating experiences? Click here to visit our forums or why not post a quick comment below....
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