Are School Gate Friendships Bad for You?

ARE ‘SCHOOL-GATE’ FRIENDSHIPS BAD FOR YOU?

According to a survey by Children’s Mutual, mothers make an average of eight new friends through their children.  One in three says the strongest friendships they have are those forged with other school-gate mothers.

They have lots of talk about, of course, having children the same age.  Indeed, women who don’t have children often complain that it’s much harder to make friends when you don’t have children in common.  So surely school-gate friendships are a good thing?

Friends for the Wrong Reasons

Not necessarily.  Be honest.  If you’re a school-gate mum, how many times have you ‘apologised’ for your new-found friends – either to other friends you’ve met through work or to your partner.  ‘Honest – you’ll like her when you get to know her’.  ‘She’s really nice actually’.  Sound familiar?  In a recent Times article Charlotte Phillips says ‘Unfortunately the wave of emotion that washes over us as our little ones totter into their new classroom can lead to a suspension of our normal critical faculties’.

Says Mary Target, psychoanalyst at University College London ‘There’s a feeling of desperation that you’ll be left out and it’ll be obvious to your children that nobody likes you’.  That pressure can result in friendships formed for less-than-perfect reasons – kids pressuring you to befriend the ‘popular’ mothers; the ‘pretty’ ones; those who organise the sleepovers/are active on the PTA; the mothers of kids they like (but you wouldn’t necessarily choose).  Before you know it you could be spending a lot of time with people you wouldn’t have chosen in other circumstances. And if their kids and yours form fast friendships (and you come to realise you’ve little in common with mum) there’s often pressure to continue long after the sell-by date’s expired.

A ‘Friend’ In Need

Says Janet, mum of Lizzi, 7 and Joe, 5.  ‘I befriended Kate when Lizzi started school.  She was going through a nasty divorce and looked so lost and needy.  Before I knew it she was ringing me at all times of the day and night pressuring me to make decisions for her.  Soon she was always at our house and after about a year I discovered she and my husband were having an affair’.

Children Copy

Says Kairen Cullen, educational psychologist ‘You are a template for your child’s approach to social relationships.  If you engage in fake friendships and spend time with someone you do not like or trust, you are doing your child a grave disservice as well as making yourself feel bad’.

Resist the Pressure

Charlotte Phillips advises resisting the pressure and gives the following tips to new school-gate mums:

If someone presses you for contact details, give them an email address
Think of it as being like dating and progress slowly from one stage to the next
If you arrange to meet someone, pick a neutral place such as a café
Don’t lose touch with people you were friends with previously
If things go wrong and your new friend doesn’t get the hint, you have to be assertive in withdrawing your company
While it is hard to end friendships, try to think of the experience as one that has deepened your knowledge of yourself.  
 

Useful Books

Informed Book Choice: 'The Friendship Crisis' by Marla Paul  Click here for details...

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