How to Communicate with Men
HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH MENWe’ve all heard the old ‘Men are from Mars’ adage and most people would now agree there are at least some differences in the way men and women communicate.
So if we’re different – does that mean we’ll never fully understand each other?
So if we’re different – does that mean we’ll never fully understand each other?
It’s hard to answer that question definitively of course, but if you can talk to one another in a way that respects those differences, you’ll open up the channels to much more effective communication and avoid ending so many discussions with a heated argument!
How Men and Women Communicate
It's not that men don't listen or don't care. Rather, sustained research shows that men process what they hear differently from the way women do.
Some experts put this down to gender disparities in brain chemistry, structure, and activity. Thanks to improved imaging techniques and testing methods, biological evidence for gender differences in brain structure does seem to be gathering force. Researchers are now able to compare what happens within men's and women's heads as they listen, think, remember, and talk.
Some experts put this down to gender disparities in brain chemistry, structure, and activity. Thanks to improved imaging techniques and testing methods, biological evidence for gender differences in brain structure does seem to be gathering force. Researchers are now able to compare what happens within men's and women's heads as they listen, think, remember, and talk.
The Bottom LIne:
Women have more nerve cells than men in the left half of the brain, the seat of the ability to process language. (And in the brain, quantity of cells often correlates with quality).
Women have a greater degree of connectivity between the two halves of the brain, and the network of fibres that connect their right and left brains is larger. This may explain an unusual difference. The sexes process single words similarly, but when interpreting a sentence, men use a single specific area on one side of the brain; women mobilize the same area, but in the right and left parts of the brain.
Women appear to use more of their brains to listen and speak. That doesn't make women better listeners or speakers, but the increased accessibility they have to some parts of their brains may make activities essential to communication considerably easier.
Women tend to experience stress more intensely than men thanks to their rich oestrogen supply. This activates a larger field of neurons than occurs in men during an upsetting experience.
Women are better at tasks that require memorisation because their higher level of oestrogen is associated with improved learning and memory.Men are often more sensitive to emotions such as rage and aggression in others' facial expressions and tone of voice. This may be a hangover from the times when men had to quicly assess aggression in other males to speedily arrange a defence. However,men tend not to score as highly as women in picking up on the more subtle nonverbal cues that telegraph sadness or fear.
How DO Such Different Creatures Communicate?
What follows are some effective strategies to use whenever you say something to a man that you really want him to hear. Try them – you may be surprised!
1. Give Him Prior Warning of Your Discussion
Women have higher concentrations of the neurotransmitter dopamine in the part of the brain responsible for language and memory skills, so information may be delivered more efficiently in your brain than it is in his. Avoid misunderstandings by letting him know when you're about to say something that needs his close attention. Tell him clearly that you want to have a serious talk. Before you begin, tell him that this is going to be a ‘look-me-in-the-eye’ conversation!
2. Don't Try to Compete With Distractions
Men don't multitask as well as women do. So initiating a discussion while he's watching television or surfing the net means you won't get his full attention. Pick a time that's convenient for both, when there are no distractions like kids or TV, when he's not hungry(!) and when you're both calm and alert.3. Open With a Positive
Don't start by putting him straight on the defensive. Put a positive slant on opening of the discussion e.g. "There's a problem that I know we're going to work out but first we'll have to talk about it."
4. Be Clear About What PRECISELY What You Want
Men tend to want to solve a problem when presented with one. However a solution may not be what you're after! You may simply need to vent frustration or anger or talk through potential solutions to determine for yourself which one makes the most sense. You're more likely to get the 'right' response if you tell your partner what you want from the beginning e.g. "There are a number of ways this could go, and I'd appreciate it if you'd listen to a few of the options I'm considering." And if you are looking for a solution, ask him directly what he would do.5. Say What You Mean
Men generally have more difficulty identifying facial expressions, especially those on the female face! They'realso less skilled at identifying nonverbal cues of sadness and fear. Unfortunately women do tend to rely on a lot of facial expressions to communicate which can lead to frustration. You may feel that your needs are being ignored, while he's exasperated by the subtlety of your expressions and body language. The solution? Spell it out as clearly as you possibly can.
6. Stick to the Subject
Evidence suggests women have better memories for the spoken word. Brain blood flow patterns show that when women commit a story or word list to memory, there's enhanced flow to the part of the brain that systematises and forms concepts of what’s heard. That makes it easier for memories of stories to be "packaged," for efficient storage and subsequent retrieved.Women can then easily drag into the conversation every single hurt feeling they've had in the relationship and it takes tremendous self-control to not hurl old, irrelevant accusations. Banishing the memory of previous arguments or betrayals isn't easy, but communication will be so much better if you canattempt to restrict your discussion to the incident at hand.
7. End the Conversation When it's Over
There's often a difference of opinion about when a conversation should end. Because women are better at interpreting facial expressions, you're likely to know when he's losing patience with a conversation, possibly even before he does!
You may just be getting warmed up, but when you notice the signs, it's best to end it. Neither of you is at your best when you're tired and men do seem to have less stamina for conversation than women do. Accept that it may take a few short talks to get the job done.
You may just be getting warmed up, but when you notice the signs, it's best to end it. Neither of you is at your best when you're tired and men do seem to have less stamina for conversation than women do. Accept that it may take a few short talks to get the job done.
8. Sum It Up
Women score higher in their ability to recall stories and lists immediately after hearing them. So certain tactics to adjust for this difference can help us get what we need from each other, particularly when we disagree.
After an argument sum up your point of view with a closing statement. Keep it positive, and don't turn your request into a criticism. When you boil down many minutes of discussion into a succinct takeaway, you increase the chance that the conversation will stay in everyone's memory.
9. Be Patient!
Improving communication takes practice, effort and consistency. Think of it as getting your brain and his in sync!Does talking to your partner seem like talking to a brick wall?
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Useful Books and Sites
Relate offers advice, relationship counselling, sex therapy, workshops, mediation, consultations and support face-to-face, by phone and through their website. Click here for details:
Informed Book Choice: Communication Miracles for Couples: Easy and Effective Tools to Create More Love and Less Conflict 
by Jonathan Robinson.
by Jonathan Robinson.Do YOU have any top tips for communicating with the opposite sex? Why not share them with others? Click here to visit our forums or why not post a quick comment below....
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